Mee Siam Mai Hum

Sunday, September 17, 2006

hhhaa, if u guys read this, this is the second part of my testimonial. To read the 1st Part, Please go to here. and a little note to X girl : hey, i really am not trying to malu u or take revenge okie? I hope u understand, that I try to be as honest and also as discrete as i can. sorry about this!

yeap, so where was I? yeap, so our relationship started to turn bad. On one path, it got bad. On the other path, another spirit started to come up before me. The spirit of Lust. perhaps it wasn't so much growing, but rather, it suddenly surfaced. Yes, I suddenly got ensnare by the another girl. yea, and the worst part of all: I thought i liked her. Yes, so i rationalised something bad into something normal. Then it just begin my downfall. i became so hooked onto that girl that i came up with many stupid excuses so that i may see her every nite ( she lives near me) . Little did i know, everytime i see her, i got even more attached to her. The temptation to see her in shorts grew even more intense. very soon, i slipped into much more disgusting stuffs: fantasizing, intimacy and stuffs. Back then, life was a wreck. I came home everyday, one part feeling guilty about doing this even when i had someone attached to me already. But the other half of me tells wants to get my carnal desires satisfied. i wanted to see more of her( the girl, not X ). Often, the i followed my carnal desires.

The most defining moment was when i told X that i like the girl. And I remember, at that moment when i called her, she screamed into the phone. That was the first time i ever heard a girl screaming into the phone. And I could sense her anger and all her hurt. But my carnal desires made me say: " hey, we're done through. get over it" I waited for 10 seconds, then she put down the phone. And as i sat down, i realised, oh no, what have i done. I felt guilty. I tried to rationalise it. I couldn't. It was terrible. Then, i smsed the girl. And we met up. She was very pissed off also. but she still met up with me. Torn between what is right, and what can satisfy me, my mind was completely messed up. Together with mounting pressures of my studies and at that time, my relationship with my parents were not at it's best.

Perhaps it was the regular bible reading that i was doing, I seemed to still have sight of what was right. I kept my desires down for a moment. Patched up my relationship with X. She was a person of great forgiveness. She forgave me even though I had done such a thing to her. We managed to get our relationship back on track - she treated me like a friend. i restricted myselves from seeing the other girl. To an extent of forcing myself to do so. But my mind, there were many voices in it.

And one day, X called me. It was what we did last time. I wanted to restore our relationship. yeap, but it din turn out well. The only thing I remember she said to me then was : " Kevin, u know what u need now? U just need to pray. " And then she put down the phone. I remember it so clearly, although it has been a year. I thought about it. And i started to follow what the Bible told me: to ask God. And i just closed my eyes. I din know how he looked like. How He was. I din even know whether he can hear me. I don't even know whether He exists. I just spoke to the air. I thought over it. And somehow, I begin to believe.

Small miracles begin to happen in my life: everytime i met face to face with a decision that I could not make, I was not sure, or that there were too many voices in me, I just cried out to the Lord. I remember one such instance. DnT work was tough and I din know whether to go out with X as she had earlier called me to do so. And I just said (to Him): Should I go? If I should, show me something to tell me. If I should not, show me that i should not. And God did. The next day, though I canot remember exactly what happened, i just remembered that I did not go. And perhaps, it was a good choice. I finished up all the work that I had. For the first time in so many months, in peace.

Many things just happened. I just asked the Lord everytime when it happened. I just sought for him. For his wisdom, for his revelation. He was faithful, he was merciful, even with my sin, he was merciful and graceful. Eventually, one night, while I was in my room, just pondering on these amazing stuffs that had happened. i decided to take a step of faith. I accepted Christ. No lah, i din like blurt our the sinner's prayer. I said to myself: " I welcome you." I believe during then, he just stepped into my heart. I smsed X. Boy, she was overjoyed. The first time since so long.

I tried to patch things up with her. Nothing much really happened then, eventually, me and X's relationship cooled off and we kinda just din contact each other for sometime. We stopped contacting each other. Just right, the O Levels came. It ended, and from then on, we just went our separate paths. She is in TJC now, I never really got much chance to tell her how much I thank her for bringing me to Christ. I hope that as she reads this now, she'll know how grateful I am to her for what she has done.

As for me, the walk with God is going to be tough one. The first few steps are going to be giant steps. Many giant killers would be slain. The biggest one: Lust . Many things happened after this walk of faith. I din want to go church at first until 18 years old. But how did i end up in Cornerstone eventually? How did i strengthen my faith and how did i tell my parents about this decision? Stay tune. More coming up in the following days.

Kevin Ang Qi Ye @ 4:45 AM
"Sorry also must exprain"
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Hello Uncle...Bah Chor Mee one. I want chilli plus tur Kwa plus can I watch your CCTV playback of Jeff Lopez...=D