Mee Siam Mai Hum

Saturday, May 13, 2006

The Journey to Self Discovery
By Kevin Ang, Meridian Junior College

The search for self –identity is often one that is daunting mystery. He who has settled his mind on self-discovery often ends up baffled and confused to the extent that he or she wished that they had not embarked on the journey but contented with his status quo; that of a free agent, having the mind to make his own decisions, not affected by self-induced criteria.

Recently I was in such a situation. Well, in fact, I have, for many years been in such a position. It was only today that this journey of self-discovery has made me desperate, frustrated and angered that I decided to pen down some thoughts on self- discovery.

This journey started not too long ago. January 2003, close to two years ago, when I suddenly felt the emptiness of my previous years. My leap of stepping out signified the end of a playful person. In its place, for better or for worse, was a man of maturity, one that pondered about everything, big and small, distant and near; One that viewed the world with the mind of an adult but existed in the real of youthfulness. Back then, it was a year of change. My life was enlightened by a tuition teacher who passed on much invaluable advice to me. She came from a family that had abandoned her, not physically at first, but emotionally and spiritually and as the years went on, physically. Her courage to see light in darkness, to see hope in desperation kindled a whole train of events. They later defined who I am today. That is not to say she led to my self-discovery, but more of a catalyst of it.

By luck or by chance, I was appointed to be a student councillor in my secondary school. This was no doubt a big feat for a severely introverted youth. Having to stand in front of a crowd, commanding respect in which others deprived of, encourage d me to research widely on the subject of leadership. A fast learner I was, I soon grasped these concepts well – something that gave me an edge above the rest. Although I was doing relatively well by the time I reached secondary three, I constantly sought for perfection. I began to perceive my behaviour as a combination of many facets. Each facet boasted many self-help series, each proclaiming to be the best, but when but onto the chopping board, they were merely recounts of their own experiences. My study room, in which I carefully dissected each of these books gradually, became my home. That was where I felt a sense of belonging too. It was also the birth of great ideas and eventually the base camp for the arduous climb to the peak of self mastery.

The path to self discovery was not an easy one. There were times of solitude and brief moments of companionship and fellowship. True friendship was perhaps rare as one who was on the journey is unwilling if not unable to bring someone along, either for fear of letting the companion down or for fear of having to be tied down to a never-ending list of obligations.
The climb started off smoothly. Men, given their fallen nature, got cocky and very soon bumped into various obstacles. Many questions that attempted to destabilize the need for such a journey were raised. Why did I have to subject myself to such torture and misery? Why can’t I just be like the rest? Frequently, the questions had to be tackled on alone. The already sparse number of friends could do little, either due to the lack of will of the weakness of their understanding on the nature of the problem. Answer thus, did not come easy. The most I could do then was to compare my answers to my own needs and desires. Any laymen would be able to identify the weakness of such criteria, but when one is severely dehydrated for answers, any drop of answer, no matter whether it was from a fresh or polluted source was taken in as though it was from a spring that sprouted tasty and nutritious water.

Finally, when all answers seemed to be answered, a longing for progress births in midst of stability. Where to now? After spending time conquering a sizeable bulk of the journey of self-discovery, the heart is burning with a passion to find more. The end results are that we are trapped in a cycle of events. We push ourselves even further to know more but this time, with the new-found confidence of our own identity. Confidence leads to liberation, and liberation in my case led to fantasies. Fantasies of a much better future; fantasies of being someone which we are not. Simply put: when we have just touched the clouds, we want to aim for the stars. From then on, everything in which we learnt about ourselves is reduced to nothing but a benchmark of what we should not be. We begin to hate ourselves. We begin to despise ourselves for our weakness and look to the world for power that was not meant for us. The very moment we start to covet for what is not ours, we start to deviate away from our goal. We propel off to another tangent of our own. We start treading onto unknown boundaries that we are not supposed to. Eventually, fear creeps into our unguarded hearts. It starts to cripple us for every step we take in the consciousness of the unknown. Eventually, we run away from the very that that we ran to initially – ourselves.

God made humans as strong beings. Because of this, the human body is not one that could be easily understood. Its complexity marveled scientists, philosophers, priests and clerics to the extent that it is treated as a holy item. Holy it is indeed, for it has powers to bring one that has wronged back on course. As the year progresses on, the lethargy of having to follow our ideals in every action we take and not to what our heart suggests slows us down, erodes away our determination to walk in the path of error, and forces us back to our original path. However, many times, especially that of the first time, we are tempted to avoid these questions. These questions don’t disappear just like this, they are then tucked at the back of our head, waiting to spring back into consciousness at a later date. When that time comes, we start to deliberate on our purpose on Earth. Why are we doing such things that we don’t want to? If we are lucky enough, and often we are, we return to our place of comfort once again, a place where we belonged to.

The arduous journey definitely was not without gain. We gain a new insight of our thinking. As we reflect, we start o know how we think. Science has been a great helping hand in this area. The creation of various personality profiling has aided us in defining who we are. Every obstacle we overcome, every hurdle we jump over gives us fresh revelation and gives us food to continue the journey. At times, we boast of our newly gained knowledge by re-orientating our lives to encompass this wisdom. After years of learning to stand after falling, I have found myself to be stronger than who I am. I have seen the essence of life through my starvation of identity and gained a new perception that others struggle to see. At each turning point in life is a champion trophy that cheers me on. The fruits of self-discovery are sweet and juicy. It feeds the hungry and definitely, they are there to stay.

As we tread on our journey for self-discovery, we gain fruits for our hard work. Science has proven the hidden benefits of fruits- they are a natural source of sugars and dietary fibre. Similarly, self discovery produces strength that is waiting to be unleashed in us and excretes the useless toxic that have accumulated in our systems for the past few years. Through years of toiling and patient endurance, wisdom is birthed within us. We start to see the world differently from others. We no longer rush during the morning rush hours; instead, we take time to appreciate the world. We lend a helping hand to those in need, something which others, who have not gone through the test of self discovery would never appreciate. We start to dissociate ourselves from friends that impede our growth and immense ourselves totally in fellowship a small but like-minded group of people. The more hurdles we jump over, the stronger we get. The more we gain, the further ahead we go in the journey of self discovery.

Truth is often found in neither book nor a biography of a famous figure. The insatiable want for truth drives us to try out different religions. Through religion, we attain spiritual serenity. Our minds are saturated with teachings that given a chance, could rule our whole life. That is when choosing a religion entails careful consideration. It would be useful for me to list down a synopsis of every religion, but my search was short. I found solace in the concept of a new ‘me’ through the crucifixion of our Lord Jesus Christ on the cross of Nazareth some 2000 years ago. His great mercy for us humans and his wonderful and miraculous resurrection amazed me. The Bible in itself offered a unified and relevant concept on how to life my everyday life. I began to embrace the concept of sacrificing our own beliefs to do the will of Someone of higher authority, the owner of all galaxies and the Father of truths. My journey for self somehow, has come to an end. My journey for my Father’s will has just started.

Again, as my faith starts to mature, I realized that a journey for my Father’s will consists to a sizeable extent, my journey for self. To say that it has ended, is to say that it has died in the secular side. Now, my journey for self is guided by teachings and that of my Father. This journey will be a challenging one. I will see even more obstacles to overcome this time round. Difference is, there is companionship in such a pilgrimage. I have found the power that two or more produces. Mathematically, a simple product of one and something else will always equate to the same thing. But the product of two and something else will be twice that of which we multiplied. However, most importantly we must have the wisdom to make choices in our friends. One that is beneficial to us will multiply our wisdom. One that is harmful to us, will be like a fraction upon us, shortchanging us of our wisdom. I have also learnt that, there are no absolute answers in the game of life. We have to have that courage to believe in ourselves and the very day when believing in ourselves became an unconscious action in everything we embrace, then it is when we have truly attained self mastery. As we believe in ourselves and soak ourselves in companionship and fellowship, we no longer will run after things that we are not of, for the desire for more stems from the feeling of emptiness in our wholeness and the acceptance of our wholeness despite emptiness. Eventually, the realization of our wholeness despite of emptiness will neutralize desires for more, just like how antacid tablets neutralize our hunger pangs.

This journey is not so much of journey. It is more like steps to maturity. We take this path so that we may mature. We take steps so that we may be distinguished as ‘grown-ups’. As I write, I came to realize the beauty of this journey. I learnt much from this writing. I no longer harbour feelings or anger and frustration, nor do I have the desire to gain the favour of others. At the end, self discovery is not a bad thing; it is nothing more than a stage that helps us to mature. It is something that is compulsory and there is simply no point running away from. At the end of our life then, we can justify the worthiness of our life with this journey of self discovery.

(c) Copyright 2006, By Kevin Ang. PLease do not reproduce this article unless with written permission via mail or email to Kevin Ang at kevagc@gmail.com . Thank you!

Kevin Ang Qi Ye @ 10:13 AM
"Sorry also must exprain"
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Hello Uncle...Bah Chor Mee one. I want chilli plus tur Kwa plus can I watch your CCTV playback of Jeff Lopez...=D